And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children.

You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a *New* Mexico? …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

Me fail English? That's unpossible. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. I didn't get rich by signing checks.

How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… Oh, I've wasted my life.

D'oh. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! D'oh. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing?

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity. Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!

Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?! Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. I stand by my racial slur.

How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train! I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?